Posts: 772
Posted:
7.Dec 2006 - 02:08
Q. Why do choughs have Red Beaks?
A. Because they are embarrassed at having red legs
Q. Why do choughs swim in tomato soup?
A. So you can't see their beaks when they come up for air.
Q. What is black & red and goes round & round in circles?
A. a chough stuck in a revolving door.
Q. What is red and black and goes up and down?
A. A chough in a lift.
Q. What did the cat say to the chough?
A. Meow.
Q. What did the grape say to the chough.
A. Nothing - grapes can't talk.
Q. Why don't Choughs ride bikes?
A Because they haven't got fingers to ring the bell.
Q. What do you call a chough with no beak?
A. Anything you like because he can't peck you.
Q If you drop a baby chough in the Red sea what does it become?
A. Very Wet
Thanks to http://www.oldcornwall.org/index.html
Posts: 772
Posted:
7.Dec 2006 - 04:10
After several tough years battling everything in a tough NSW wheat growing district a cocky is telling his mate that he is going to pack it all in and drive down to Sydney and get a job. "What route will you take?" his mate asks innocently. The cocky has to think before he replies, "Probably the wife. After all she stuck with me through the drought."
Q: What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia?
A: Yoghurt has a real live culture
Q: What type of boots do koalas wear?
A: Gum boots
Q: What's the Australian male's idea of foreplay ?
A: "WAAKE UUUP !!!"
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Sixteen. One to change the bulb and 15 to stand around saying, "Goodonya mate."
During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."
Posts: 789
Posted:
7.Dec 2006 - 09:11
Posts: 1405
Posted:
7.Dec 2006 - 14:29
BTW, appaling jokes - keep up the good work!
Posts: 772
Posted:
7.Dec 2006 - 19:40
Thanks Chris. I did wonder whether I should post anything in here or not. But I thought, "Everyone loves appalling jokes!" and decided to anyway.
Posts: 772
Posted:
8.Dec 2006 - 00:24
A Kiwi was doing the Maori Haka whilst, somewhere in space, aliens were watching this unusual dance.
"Kamate kamate ka-ora ka-ora ......" loudly sang the Kiwi.
The aliens were very intrigued, and wondered what would happen if part of the Kiwi's brain was stealthily removed! So, with the aid of very sophisticated technology, the aliens zapped a beam at the Kiwi's head, and part of his brain instantly vaporised.
The aliens sat back to see what would happen. "Ka-mate ka-mate ka-ora ka-ora......." sang the Kiwi.
The aliens were amazed, absolutely no difference in the Kiwi's behaviour.
So the aliens decided to zap a higher intensity beam at another part of the Kiwi's brain.
Again the aliens watched for results, and again the Kiwi sang "Ka-mate ka-mate ka-ora ka-ora ......"
The aliens naturally deduced that the Kiwi was an extremely intelligent life-form, for with even a half a brain no difference had been noticed in the Kiwi's behaviour.
The aliens decided to remove the complete brain, thus leaving the Kiwi devoid of all knowledge!
So with a push of a button the aliens zapped the Kiwi's head and sizzled the remaining grey matter.
Now surely the Kiwi will know nothing, be dumb, and be so stupid.
The Aliens watched the Kiwi intently, and all of a sudden the Kiwi broke into a forceful song
"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA .........."
Posts: 772
Posted:
8.Dec 2006 - 00:38
The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats a 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the f*cking roof !!!"
Posts: 772
Posted:
8.Dec 2006 - 00:46
The first speaker, a lady from Cornwall stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Bob, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).
She continued..........................."Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."
Posts: 772
Posted:
8.Dec 2006 - 03:15
"I was born an Englishman, I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!" he declared. "What's wrong, man," exclaimed a voice from the crowd, "Have you no ambition?"
Posts: 772
Posted:
8.Dec 2006 - 03:17
A man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village.
He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:
- See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!
- See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell!
- See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!
- But, a long long time ago, I f*cked ONE sheep...
Posts: 772
Posted:
8.Dec 2006 - 03:21
Not long after the Cold War began, it so happened that a socialist Welshman - John Jones by name - was in London. He happened to be sitting in a park one day when a man in a trench coat came and sat beside him.
- Voud you be interested in spying on ze English? asked the stranger in a thick Russian accent.
- "Sure I would, boyo", said John Jones cheerfully. "For we Welsh have been oppressed for years. I'm on your side!"
- Very well... Ze password vill be, "Ze geese fly high over ze frozen pond while ze sun shines." Got that?
- "Right you are", says John. '"Ze geese fly high over ze frozen pond while ze sun shines. What do I have to do now?"
- Nuzzing for ze moment... Ve vill activate you ven ve haf need of you. It may be a year, it may be 10 years, but ve vill. Vill you be ready? You vill remember ze password?
- "I will", said John eagerly, and returned to his small home village in Wales.
Although John waited eagerly, the call never came.
Ten years, twenty, thirty ... until 1999, when a command came from the Russian HQ to activate agent John Jones immediately. A Russian agent headed for the little village where John Jones lived, only to find there were 300 John Joneses listed for the area. He scratched his head and decided that he would go to the local pub and try the password until he found his man.
So, the Russian agent headed off to the local pub and ordered a pint of beer. He saw a man standing alone at one end of the counter, and thought he might as well begin. He sidled across to the solitary drinker, watching the crowd about him with cautious eyes.
- Nice evening, said the Russian.
- "Yes", said the drinker.
- Is your name Jones? asked the Russian.
- "Yes", said the drinker.
- Funny, isn't it, said the Russian agent, the geese fly high over the wintry pond while the sun shines.
The drinker tossed back his beer and said:
- "It's not me you'll be wanting. You want Jones the spy, over by the window".
Posts: 772
Posted:
8.Dec 2006 - 04:20
him and says: "Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?"
The big guy replies: "Well, mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm six feet tall, 105 kgs and I played rugby as a forward for the All Blacks. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 115 kgs and he's an ex All Black lock. Next to him is a bloke who's 6'5", weighs 120kgs and he's a current All Black second rower.
Now, do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"
The first bloke says: "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three
times."
Posts: 789
Posted:
10.Dec 2006 - 01:26
Yes we're happily partying along thanks, might try to have a alcohol free day today :shock: Not many people taking up this with topic Hen, too many serious thinkers on here, mores the pity
Come on you lot, think of some funny quotes and jokes for us. I know I've not put any on, but I've printed out a few for my friends to read